The weekend was a mix of resting, laughing and crying. My business coach has warned me several times about the aftermath I feel when a workshop has ended. I can’t help it. I’m a super emotional being, and when Brian and I spend the weekend pouring all our emotion and energy into the lovely, amazing women who attend our workshops–I usually have an emotional crash when it’s all said and done. I think touring the Smithsonian delayed this crash because boy, did it ever come.
But the toughest part is not the emotional crash. The toughest part is what I choose to believe in the moment. For instance, this weekend I did a handful of things to soak up “being home”. I rode my bike to the grocery store (and bought a bouquet of flowers for my basket just because). I took a nap in the middle of the day on Saturday. (I rarely nap.) I got the new homeschool curriculum organized. I was feeling good, even great at times. And then on Sunday later afternoon the tears came without warning. I slid down the fridge and just cried on the kitchen floor. No real reason. Just needed to cry. (anyone feel me out there?). I struggled with judging myself in that moment. ‘What a horrible mom I was being? How selfish? How this, How that. All things that don’t involve grace for myself. When in fact, tears are often a good sign for me, cleansing. But for some reason, I felt disappointment with myself.
I think I felt disappointment because I feel vulnerable these days–a little more vulnerable than I’m used to feeling. If you’ve read this blog for more than a week, you know that I’m pretty self disclosing. Heck, if you’re reading today’s blog you know that. But there are shifts in the air. Shifts in the weather, shifts in our family routine, shifts in our business-some bigger than I have had experience with. And the question that lurks behind all the shifts are “Will these shifts fail on us? Will we fail the shift? Will we come out on the other side fulfilled and glad we took the risks or feel the exact opposite?”
Aside from the shifts in the weather, I feel very invested in all the shifting around me. Brian and I put our heart into a creative family makeup where homeschooling, family life and traveling somehow work together (some days being better than others). We also put our heart into our dreams and our business. I have a dream ladies–a big dream. I want my own TV show. I want a show that reaches out to women and mixes photography and inspiration. I’ve even spent the last several weeks writing a 40 page TV Treatment proposal. It’s amazing how you find pockets of time on the airplane, or late at night when everyone is in bed, hammering the words out, hammering your dreams out–and how it all somehow energizes you.
I’m submitting the Treatment, putting the feelers out. And all this makes me feel naked in an open field. When you put your heart into anything, it seems the fear of failure only grows by the second. So what do you do? Where do you go when your aware of the fear more than the excitement? How do you escape the judge that sits on your shoulder, while you cry on the kitchen floor, telling you that your in no shape to ever have your own TV show?
I have a stack of books on my writing desk. They are a collection of my favorite authors over the years. Last night, I found myself going back to their words and their wisdom. I stumbled upon an excerpt that I thought you’d enjoy too. The book is called Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L’engle (author of A Wrinkle in Time). I had the privilege of taking a workshop from her. She has since passed away, and she will never know how much her honesty has impacted my life over the years. In this excerpt she writes about having her book The Lost Innocent rejected again;
“This (the rejection) seemed an obvious sign from heaven. I should stop trying to write. All during the decade of my thirties I went through spasms of guilt because I spent so much time writing, because I wasn’t like a good New England housewife and mother. When I scrubbed the kitchen floor, the family cheered. I couldn’t make a decent pie crust. I always managed to get something red in with the white laundry in the washing machine, so that everybody wore streaky pink underwear. And with all the hours I spent writing. I was still not pulling my own weight financially.
So the rejection on the my fortieth birthday seemed an unmistakable command: Stop this foolishness and learn to make cherry pie.
I covered the typewriter in a great gesture of renunciation. Then I walked around and around the room, bawling my head off. I was totally, unutterable miserable.
Suddenly I stopped, because I realized what my subconscious mind was doing while I was sobbing: my subconscious mind was busy working out a novel about failure.
I uncovered the typewriter. In my journal I recorded this moment of decision, for that’s what it was. I had to write. I had no choice in the matter. It was not up to me to say I would stop, because I could not. It didn’t matter how small or inadequate my talent. If I never had another book published, and it was very clear to me that this was a real possibility, I still had to go on writing.
I’m glad I made this decision in the moment of failure. It’s easy to say you’re a writer when things are going well. When the decision is made in the abyss, then it is quite clear that it is not one’s own decision at all.”
Madeleine L’engle knew she had to write. I know I am meant to dream big. Ever since I was little, despite the many pains of my childhood, I knew I was meant to shoot for what others might say is impossible. The tears on the kitchen floor don’t get to weigh in as evidence of this being true or not. The decision was made long ago in my own abyss. I just needed a tearful, cleansing reminder of it.
Thanks for reading today friends. Today I feel selfish because I feel like I’m using your listening ear to process this next step. Today I feel grateful for you listening. Does this resonate with any of you and the season of life that you are in?
xix, Me Ra
p.s. To all my Minneapolis women…counting the days! xix
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Tomorrow we will announce the beautiful Running on Empty Winner for the upcoming Minneapolis Workshop. Thank you so much for all your submissions.
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arting or expanding a business in photography, click on the titles of your choice!
Wow, thank you for being so open and honest with us. Again, you inspire me 🙂
Remember, whatever your dreams are, they don’t compare to the dreams God has for you. You are destined to be big, to do great things you already have. All the women you touch and inspire. I don’t even know you and I know all your dreams will come true!
P.S The life experiences you give your children on a regular basis, can never be considered selfish!!
Such a touching, honest post. I hope you see your dreams come to fruition, because you have a gift. You make people see the best in themselves and ease them through their fears in photography. I think your children are very lucky to have you for a mom. And anyone who takes your workshops would no doubt agree that you’ve enriched and empowered their lives. Now to do some enriching and empowering for yourself! xo
I am fighting tears just reading your words…Thank you. I feel you wrote exactly where I am. I too am an emotional person…extremely. And So much is changing in my life and I feel so vulnerable myself….which I too am not used to feeling. I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom for nearly 5 years, and now find my twin girls in Kindergarten 5 days a week for 5 1/2 hours…and its killing me. To let them go, to trust someone else with them…to be away from them. I never realized how much this would hurt me. My business is starting to get really busy…can I handle it? I am about to close the door in my 20’s and enter my 30’s I didnt think it was bothering me…maybe it is. I could go on…but I am just in the midst of so much change…yes I know it is good change…but I feel like I am closing a door to 5 amazing years…and I am having trouble focusing on the positives of it rather then just seeing that door close. I am so happy to say I am one of those Minneapolis woman about to meet you all and I am over joyed….yet I am so scared at the same time that I will get there and break down into tears! So forgive me if I do! lol THank you Me Ra….I needed to hear these words today. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone….I can not wait for this weekend!
MeRa – Love this post – thank you so much for sharing! And yes, I too, find myself sometimes on the floor just crying…life is a lot to process sometimes isn’t it and then throw our big dreams into the mix and its amazing we all find time to get things done in the day and not just sit on the floor all day! 😉 Change is in the air when fall appears…
Know you are supported in all you do and wish to do…
xo, jenny
I swear. When you write posts like these it is like you are listening to my heart and know when I need to hear inspiration.
I have been crying for a week – for finding out my dog has a brain tumor and him quickly deteriorating and having to put him to sleep within days of finding out and because I had carpal tunnel surgery in the middle of it all and feel vulnerable having to ask for help to do everything. And also because my release for frustration is to pick up my camera and I can’t do that. =(
Thank you for the lift this morning. This is the reason I visit your blog before getting out of bed.
I pray that the TV show becomes a reality for you. You inspire so many women through your blog and it would be SO amazing to see how many more you touch through a show!
I love you, Me Ra!
now i too sit here in with tears streaming down my face. i often find myself with an inner conflict of chasing a dream and dealing with the guilt of “what a horrible mom”. i am so grateful that we can homeschool, yet it does put a lot of weight on our shoulders. i am always struggling with finding the balance in my life between being everything i want to be for my family and chasing a passion. in reading your dream i felt inspired and encouraged to keep on keeping on…keep on chasing the dream, keep on being a wonderful mom, keep on living life to it’s fullest with my family! today is a new day and i am so grateful for your encouraging words this morning. i pray you get a TV show, because you would empower a lot of people with it! thank you for touching my life today!
Mera, this makes me sad to know that you were hurting yesterday. Sounds to me like you need to get into the kitchen and let your mind drift as you make up an awesome yummy concoction!! Or maybe you and the kids should make up a cup of hot chocolate and sit in your jammies/sweats to enjoy! Enjoy todays beauty. Dream big. And know that all of the woman’s lives that you have enriched love you and wish you the best!! (Not to mention we would love to watch you on a tv show!)
Steph
Oh, and just to let you know, my random tears fell out last week in the shower. I felt silly for crying them and I did not even know what they were from, but I knew that I was exhausted. Just needed that release I guess.
I love you! You will get your dreams, I just know it!
Fear is a funny thing. Most people don’t realize it, but most of our actions are either dictated by fear or love. Fear holds us back, teaches us to doubt (ourselves, others) and, worst of all, turns up the volume on our inner negativity microphone. The trick is to recognize the fear and then just let it go and get on with it already. You’re an incredibly positive-thinking, big-dreaming person and really, there is no way that someone who thinks positive so often will fail…unless she starts listening to the fear-filled voice inside her head. You’ve already proven that you can do anything you put your mind to, what’s stopping you from going all the way, except yourself?
There’s that simple quote I remind myself of sometimes…”If it were easy, everybody would do it.” Hashing out your inner insecurities is the most important ways I can think of to be brave. You model that for all of us,your family, your kids. If you accomplished nothing else beyond this point, your life would still be a profound success.
I can easily visualize you having your own TV show. I think I speak for everyone in saying that if there is anything we can do to help support you, we’ll do it!
Dear MeRa,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and being so honest and authentic with your readers. Authenticity is something that is so important to me so I truly admire that quality about you.
I definitely relate to what you post in many ways. I don’t struggle with tears that much; I have a feeling that I will once I have children though. But I do relate to you with having big dreams. I too have always been a big dreamer since I was a child. But instead of tears coming as a result of my big dreams, I get big headaches. hehe! I just get so excited that it literally makes my head hurt and I feel so tired. I know that probably sounds funny, but its just the way my body responds to all of my excitement.
As I am currently fighting to make my dreams come true, it can be a very scary thing. I too am constantly wondering if I’ll be able to make them happen. And it’s at that point that God reminds me that He is helping me make them happen. I’m not doing this alone. Praise God I don’t have to! He has blessed us so much and helped us in so many ways. I am confident in Him! I can do my best and He will do the rest. The only way that I’m comfortable having the big dreams I have is because I serve a VERY BIG God.
So rest in Him! I see Him blessing you and He will continue to. I’m so looking forward to meeting you in Seattle in November!
~Candace
You want a TV Show – I’d like my own magazine. I keep telling myself if Oprah can do it, so can I. Never mind all her past successes and the fact that her magazine was going to be a success no matter what she did – still, she’s human. So am I.
Of course we can succeed, people who don’t dream, don’t get.
Me Ra,
You share your heart and soul with us, so in times like this we can feel less guilty about taking so much from you.
Sometimes tears just come–and they don’t have to mean anything. They are cleansing, and whatever brings them is a blessing in a way (for me it always seems to be Grey’s Anatomy, because really the writing isn’t THAT great). 😉
You spoke to me last weekend when you talked about always knowing you would do something bigger. I’ve always been to embarrassed to tell anyone that. But it is a knowing. This reference to Madeleine L’Engle makes me feel better, because I thought I had missed my chance.
Cry and become rejuvinated. And listen to your heart–it hasn’t lead you astray yet.
Me Ra,
You amaze me. You have so much in your heart, and you get it out in the open in such an eloquent way. I ready every word, and hung on every word. As I shared in my interview I’ve always had a fear of failure……and WOW how I relate to the author in her book about the pie crust, and the laundry. I am so thankful for women who allow themselves to share the truth. There is so much freedom given to all of your readers when you share the truth the way that you do. It makes us feel normal, and like it’s okay for us to dream big too. You are the sweetest friend, and even if we’ve never met in person you’ve touched my life in a tremendous way. Once again, thank you. Much love, Lora
If your TV show is half as amazing as your blog, you’ll do fine. Most people are so afraid of failing (or maybe even sometimes succeeding) that they don’t even try. Kudos to you for pursuing your dream.
yes. I can relate to this. Am on a home schooling journey of my own in the midst of many “shifts”…some voluntary, some not, but ALL contributing to the periodic meltdown. If I weren’t attempting more / dealing with more then no I probably wouldn’t have those moments. But those moments do not define or have a say over whether or not I fulfill my purpose…Thank you for realizing how much of the battle is within ourselves, and to fight off the attack on your mind with truth rather than lashing out and blaming others for making you feel insecure about the life decisions you have made. So many people do that. If only more of us were open & honest about how hard it is to really step out there and live out our dreams!
Just popped in to see what you are up to, and I have to say I feel a bit relieved that you too, a woman whom I consider to be successful at the very thing that I continue to struggle with, feel inadequate, question yourself, and just plop down and cry. Thank you for your honesty, for being real, and for inspiring the rest of us who haven’t even begun to accomplish what you have, but hope to. I’ll be at the PUG on Wednesday, hope to see you there,
Summer Hopkins
MeRa, thanks for sharing your vulnerablities with us. That’s only one reason why everyone loves you is because of your authenticity. It IS certainly exhausting to pour out yourself to others. It reminds me of when my husband was a pastor and we were both doing a lot of one on one ministering with people on Sundays or on weekend retreats. It’s a kind of tired that’s hard for me to describe in words. I was blessed to have a circle of friends who were also pastor’s wives where we could just be ourselves, flaws and all, and also pour back into each other. Maybe in a small way we are that for you….if I may be so bold to suggest that.
And..I could easily see you having a TV show. I want to be in your studio audience!
As usual this was a timely post for me. I have been feeling lately like maybe I don’t have what it takes after all. There’s another photog in town who is more competitive than me and she graduated from The Brook’s Institute. I’m frozen right now when I should be advertising and doing what I do best and just being me!
I can’t tell you how much your comments have given me. Thank you so much for sharing your encouraging words. Ever since I wrote Beauty Restored, my focus has been to write so others know they are not alone. But today I get to be blessed by all your comments and know that I’m not alone. Thank you again and again. It also means the world to feel and hear your support for a TV show! Any prayers you want to send up are WELCOME! Love you all. (isn’t amazing how much depth and support can be found through a blog community? I am so lucky to have you all.)
xoxo, Me Ra
hey mera
you know that we are behind you. crying is ok. dreaming is ok. all you need to do is be the best you that you can be. hang in there. listen to that cd. it was meant for moments like this. take care.
Me Ra,
Alot of times your post hit me right where I am at and because of your transparency, lives are touched including mine. I was just telling Randy, “I don’t think I am liking this season of life. There are so many changes going on right now. I have realized finally that tears are totally ok and that I am not going crazy. It is all part of the process and that I somehow need to embrace this season and see what God wants me to do through it. So challenging!
Love you girl!
I am soooo looking forward to that TV show. I believe in you and I believe it will happen!
Love,
Sue
If you didn’t dream big dreams, I think many of us wouldn’t dare to dream even little dreams. You are a bright light among us.
Wow Me Ra, I felt like you were speaking to me. I so needed to hear that. I have been feeling that way for some time now myself….God Bless you! You are such an inspiration for us all, DREAM BIG sweetie! I KNOW things will come about for you. 🙂
This post is just so honest and heartfelt. It’s just so darn refreshing to know that you have these moments too. Know that you and your family are in my prayers. Those who dream big achieve big. You know what you were meant for. Keep striving for it and know that you will make it work for your family, just as you always have. You know that your family comes first, that’s clear from everything you taught us at your workshop. You will do what’s right for yourself and them. And if it’s not right at the outset, it’s so obvious that you will make the right changes to make it work and to maintain the proper priorities. I can’t wait to see where your dreams take you. xo A
Me Ra,
You are an amazing women!! I really could just end the this comment right there with enough said. However, I will go on a little just to bring it home a bit more. You have so much talent, a love of life, you are a role model for moms and women in general, and that you so generously open you life to others you just ROCK.
I will add to what all the other women have so eloquently stated, thank you for being so honest and open. I read your blog yesterday and thought about it all day. It is comforting to know that there is at least one woman out there, even in my own city, that has the same feelings that I get. It did make me want to offer a listening ear to you while you were hurting, but I guess that is what we are all doing on the blog. I too am going through shifts in my life and because of the changes in the economy my husband and I are closing down a church we have had for ten years. I am trying to get beyond the fear of what is next for us as a family. If we don’t move forward then we can’t know what more blessings are to come. I have not had the tears over this change yet, but I know they will come soon, and I will think of you and know, I am not alone.
Oh Me Rah. Amen. Amen. Amen. You have an amazing way with words. And it describes right where I am at too. I just had a crying on the floor moment last week and it has driven me to do better. To organize more. To be determined to reach my goal . . . no matter how far out it is. I am a third grade teacher. I am a mother of two baby girls. I am the breadwinner. But in my heart, I am a photographer. My dream is to be a professional photographer. To understand the ins and outs of my camera. To reach in my bag and grab anything I need. And to provide images to my clients (and for my family) that will be timeless. I have a long ways to go. But your blog inspires me so. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to the day I can see your first episode. I only pray that before then I can afford a workshop with you. That would be life changing for me. Keep it up. And keep listening to the voice within as the tears come. It will keep you close to your role as a mother and a woman who inspires so many. I’m sending you a link that has inspired me to keep creating . . . enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhLlnq5yY7k&feature=PlayList&p=31B2384C7C470214&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=1
me ra ~ i believe that to whoom much is given much is required… i believe you feel this deep inside you. i feel like you are so blessed and able to change, improve and hepl women…and i feel that you wont rest until you KNOW you are, in every way your capable of, changing helping and improving the lives of women.
the fact you ‘feel’ too much is a blessing that i think few are given. your so capable of love ~ thats so great! you are great, and these fits of emotions that take you down a notch are great too…take them as a gift of who you are!
i will be a regular me ra tv addict.
love you
me re~ thanks so much for your candid post, it has hit me somehow, more than i know. I’m sure i’ll figure it out later. the main thing that is sooo hard is that i just didn’t read much over the summer and the day you left dc is when i found out you were here. not that i had the money to take the workshop anyway, but i would have found it somewhere. i spent the whole week beating myself up for missing the workshop…for missing the opportunity of a lifetime…for not being better in touch and realizing you and brian were coming here. I was sooo mad at myself. then i realized something..that if i was meant to be there i would have been…that God is in charge and knows what i need when and will help me be in the right place at the right time. It inspired me to get to my to do list and get things done. and PAY ATTENTION! I am so moved by the way you pour your heart out to all of us, thank you. You WILL realize your dreams, God will make sure of that. You will be an even bigger inspiration to more and more people to follow the authentic-ness that God puts in all of us and don’t settle for…God bless;-)
Behind you all the way! You are so amazing! If you can dream it you can do it. I have total faith that YOU can do ANYTHING! Selfish….no way not even maybe!! 🙂 Sometimes that bit of time is so needed. As mothers and wives we give so much to everyone around us. When we take that time to ourselves we feel selfish. I have often felt that way myself when ever I take that kind of time. And you, you not only give your whole self to your family but you give pieces of yourself to everyone around you. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m so glad you do. Go for it all!! No limits!! And take that time every once in awhile…you not only deserve it but you NEED it!! Love you! XOXOX 🙂
Wow. I love that you put it out there and showed your vulnerability.
Now I have the song “Dream Big” by Ryan Shupe and The Rubberband playing in my head in response to what you wrote. Go listen to it, and dream big!
[…] me, and these last two years have been amazing. I would even say 98% Guilt Free. And even though crying on the kitchen floor still happens, it’s not often about […]